In minor depression, I reflect upon a seeming loss of quality in the level of communion and connection I once had with my Father in Heaven. The connection still exists, but I lament over its depreciation.
Though, my ponderation and study this morning has led me back to the experiences in my youth, which built in me a fortress of trust and relationship with God. Herein I share a conversion experience (I have had many), but a special conversion experience that was the first, and the start of them all.
An individual reaches the stage in his or her life when life's challenges brings questions and concerns that all the world cannot seem to answer. For me, I had grown up in the church, with a love of learning the gospel for its intellectually stimulating content. I loved being able to answer questions in class. I loved and enjoyed learning about the Saviour and the particularly curious and interesting engagements in His life, as well as prophets of old. Yet it was not a testimony-growing experience. It was to accompany the life of a child who had no siblings, or siblings too young to engage in meaningful interaction of like-mindedness. A child who was lonely.
Then upon my growth into adolescence, life's challenges weighed upon my soul. No source of information seemed to quench my thirsting soul for answers and peace. I came to a point in my life when I wondered how true it was, that God has all the answers, and He places those answers in the scriptures, and in the words of the prophets.
And so, I topically analysed my questions. I printed out general conference talk after general conference talk after Ensign article after Ensign article. I owned a pile of papers of talks, filled with annotations, highlightings and visual representations of gospel principles taught in those talks, which I had drawn, noted and coloured.
The more I studied, the more I learned, and the thrill was that I was not only finding my intellect stimulated, but that my soul felt strengthened, and my heart felt happier! I would find myself in my room after church, spending hours on end seated on the floor, with a distribution of printed talks about my floor, with my study journals of sorts, and pens and highlighters of sorts. It was in those hours I steadily grew a testimony that God loved me, and I was His Son. I came to know that His Spirit is real, for I not only learned about Him, but felt His presence and influence, softening my heart, teaching me to forgive, and directing me in my efforts and prayers to study and learn. I came to know the reality of the Saviour, and I could almost see His face, and feel His arms around me. Among the most sacred experiences of my life are when I felt His touch in my life amidst a very difficult struggle in my life, as I pondered and studied His words.
No wonder the prophets say over and over and over and over again that we ought to study the scriptures in prayerful meditation and introspection.
It is a goal and new-year's resolution of mine that I spend more time with my Father in Heaven. For would I master my university courses, would I engage in marriage, would I exalt in my piano skills, all would mean but nothing if I had lost my relationship with my Heavenly Father.
I bear testimony of a God who loves, a Saviour who lives, the Spirit who communes, and a prophet who speaks.
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