"The vision is not about you, it's about Christ."- Video recording speaking in a Q&A session.
I have pondered this saying over and over and over again, and every now and then, new light illuminates me.
Today, I encountered a list of the qualities and attributes of charity, as composed by Elder Lynn G Robbin in his book, "Love is a Choice: Making Your Marriage and Family Stronger." I have always wanted to compose a similar list, but Elder Robbins beat me to it. His list is much better than I could have composed, considering many of the things there are things I wouldn't think of.
Elsewhere in another Q&A session, Elder Bednar said that, if/when we are prepared in heart, mind and spirit, we can pray and ask God to see ourselves as we really are. This list of qualities helps us obtain that.
I also echo the saying that God is pleased with whatever progress we are making, and diligently continue in making. He is more pleased with that than where we are at at any moment. So in sharing this table, I express my warning and encouragement to use the table as guided by the Spirit. It is meant to uplift us, not depress us. Of course, we may find attributes here and there in the table that may correct us, quite boldly, but know that "it is not solely to scold but also to beckon" (Notwithstanding my weakness, Elder Neal A Maxwell - read that talk, it's excellent!).
Here is the wonderful table. I pray we use it well. I encourage you all to ponder the quote of Elder Bednar I shared first in this post.
(And please forgive the lack of formatting etiquette.)
| The Lord's Way | The Wrong Way | ||
| Attribute | Christlike Love | Obvious | Not So Obvious |
| "Suffereth Long" (1 Cor. 13:4) | Is patient and tolerant with spouse and does not criticize. | Is intolerant, Ill-tempered, critical, cranky. | Is impatient, complains, gives the silent treatment. |
| Recognizes that spouse is progressing, is patient with imperfections. | Despite styaing with spouse, has no close relationship. | ||
| "Is kind" (1 Cor. 13:4) | Is amiable, thoughtful, and interested in spouse's happiness. | Is mean, miserly, cruel, inconsiderate, unmerciful. | Is indifferent, remote, negligent, unconcerned, uninterested, unresponsive. |
| Is mindful of spouse's needs and feelings, complimentary and praising, gracious. | Has a scowling countenance. | Is careless, thoughtless, distracted, preoccupied. | |
| Is a good Samaritan, comforts, is merciful. | Is sarcastic or makes fun of spouse. | ||
| "Envieth not" (1 Cor.13:4) | Is content, grateful for blessings. | Is resentful, jealous, greedy, covetous. | Is ungrateful. |
| Rejoices in another's gifts, talents, success. | Fails to pay an honest tithe. | Is a partial tithe-payer. | |
| Is generous and offers help to those in need. | Is selfish and withholds help. | Is vain-sets heart on costly apparel, etc. | |
| Lives frugally. | Has a "my," not "our," money mentality. | Lives beyond income. | |
| Knows the difference between needs and wants, avoids unnecessary debt. | Incurs excessive debt. | Allows interest on credit cards to accumulate. | |
| Does not try to save food or money for future needs. | |||
| "Is not puffed up" | Is humble, meek, teachable. | Is proud, eager for attention, self-centered, pompous, boastful. | Does not praise or give due credit to others. |
| Does not speak vainly or seek attention. | Murmurs against leaders. | Aspires to positions.Is a know-it-all, is unteachable. | |
| Happily serves wherever called. | Is condescending with spouse or "holier than thou." | Considers own knowledge superior to others'. | |
| Lifts, praises, encourages spouse. | Is offended when advice is given. | ||
| Seeks the will of God. | |||
| Willingly takes suggestions and even correction. | |||
| "Doth not behave itself unseemly" (1 Cor. 13:5) | Is courteous, well mannered, tactful, tasteful, reverent, respectful, mindful of others. | Is discourteous, crude disrespectful, indecent, improper, irreverent. | Doesn't say "please" or "thank you." |
| Is clean, neat, orderly. | Enjoys dirty jokes. | Has forgotten everyday courtesies. | |
| Uses appropriate language and exercises good judgment. | Is boisterous: loud and inappropriate laughter. | Is disorderly and unkempt. | |
| Is vulgar and profane. | Makes light of sacred things. | ||
| "Seeketh not her own" (1 Cor. 13:5) | Is tenderhearted, sensitive, compassionate, merciful, generous. | Is demanding, controlling, selfish, manipulative, blaming. | Finds it hard to say "I'm sorry," "you were right," or "please forgive me." |
| Seeks unity, kneels with spouse in prayer, listens with empathy, avoids contention. | Lacks unity, is contentious. | Is reluctant to render help (as with household chores). | |
| Thinks "we" and "ours." | Thinks "I" and "mine." | Is guilty of self-pity. | |
| Is approachable. | Seldom listens, is aloof. | Withholds intimacy. | |
| Seeks to please God. | Seeks self-gratification, is self-indulgent. | Is uncaring. | |
| Selflessly serves spouse's needs. | Seeks the praise of others. | Complains. | |
| "Is not easily provoked" (1 Cor. 13:5) | Is forgiving, patient, calm, gentle, respectful. | Is irritable, spiteful, vengeful. | Argues over every silly, little thing, is not open-minded. |
| Understands that anger is a decision and can be controlled. | Is easily angered, often hostile and abusive. | Disciplines in anger. | |
| Is a peacemaker. | Is defensive, responds with disgust or contempt. | Does not bridle passions. | |
| Swears, has a bad temper. | |||
| Blames spouse for all family problems. | |||
| "Thinketh no evil" (1 Cor. 13:5) | Is nonjudgmental, respectful, helpful, pure, obedient. | Is cruel, conniving, deceitful, dishonest. | Is judgmental, prejudiced, faultfinding. |
| Has "no more disposition to do evil" (Mosiah 5:2). | Indulges in pornography and inappropriate music. | Hold grudges, gossips. | |
| Is modest in dress, thought, speech. | Dresses and behaves immodestly. | Participates in jokes about intimate or sacred things. | |
| Virtue garnishes thoughts unceasingly. | Is motivated by ulterior motives. | Tolerates evil influences. | |
| Is anxiously engaged in good causes. | |||
| Acts without guile. | |||
| Controls thoughts. | |||
| "Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth" (1 Cor. 13:6) | Stays close to ths Spirit through regular scripture study, prayer, obedience. | Has an "eat, drink, and be merry" mentality. | Is light-minded. |
| Has discovered that truth leads to joy and happiness. | Is indulgent, unfaithful, disobedient. | Is casual with prayers. | |
| Suggests wholesome activities. | Justifies self, makes excuses. | Is not diligent about gospel teaching or scripture reading in the home. | |
| Enjoys Church attendance, worships regularly at the temple. | |||
| "Beareth all things" (1 Cor. 13:7) | Has moral courage, is bold in truth. | Is insulting, defensive, irritable, touchy, grouchy, moody. | Is ungrateful. |
| Is happy and content regardless of circumstances. | Is a coward. | Yiels to peer pressure in compromising situations. | |
| Turns the other cheek, is calm (this does not mean that abuse victims should silently bear cruelty or follow a disobedient spouse). | Is ashamed of righteousness. | Is apathetic. | |
| Is able to see the big picture from the Lord's perspective. | Blames God for problems. | Is weary in well-doing. | |
| Trusts in the Lord's timing. | |||
| "Believeth all things" (1 Cor. 13:7) | Clearly sees the eternal potential of spouse and forever families and is tolerant of shortcomings. | Doubts spouse's potential, is critical and cynical. | Is distanced, remote, inattentive, insensitive. |
| Sees others as children of god. | Is unfriendly to spouse. | Is a hypocrite, lives a lie. | |
| Holds fast to the gospel of Jesus Christ. | Is condescending, intolerant. | Goes to church but wishes to be elsewhere. | |
| Is generally positive. | Has let go of the iron rod, is not active in the Church. | ||
| "Hopeth all things" (1 Cor.13:7) | Is an optimist. | Is a pessimist. | Is a fatalist. |
| Looks for the best. | Is a nagger. | Is bored. | |
| Praises, builds up, expresses affection. | Is a faultfinder. | Is neglectful. | |
| Continues courting spouse after marriage. | Is unrepentant, in denial. | Doesn't feel worthy to pray for forgiveness. | |
| "Endureth all things" (1 Cor. 13:7) | Doesn't complain or murmur. | Is always complaining, murmuring. | Is lukewarm or gives half-hearted effort. |
| Is responsible and gladly accepts callings. | Shirks or avoids responsibility. | Is lazy or spends too much time on hobbies, TV, internet, etc. | |
| Sees growth in adversity. | Makes excuses. | Is afflicted with self-pity. | |
| Has a desire to learn and progress. | |||
| Is steadfast, knows life is a test. | |||
| "Charity never faileth" (1 Cor. 13:8) | Loves as Christ loves us. | "Falls out of love." | Has wandering eyes. |
| Doesn't give up on loved ones. | Flirts with individuals other than spouse. | Views spouse more as a burdent than a blessing. | |
| Is supportive. | Is an adulterer. | Daydreams or fantasizes about individuals other than spouse. | |
| Loves conditionally, based on spouse being healthy, successful, slender, maintaining good looks. | |||
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